The dominant culture (ACA the Behemoth) is caustic. Compulsive violence, intended to cause harm, permeates through its structures and interactions among its beings, making navigation an abrasive experience.
Because I exist inside this acid vat and am determined not to compulsively inflict self-harm, I have to be very intentional in my relationships. In other words, I must have clear reasons for every social interaction and a way to assess its impact.
For example, if I seek some knowledge from someone, I have to consider whether the person I am interacting with has also wisdom and emotional stability. If not, the Behemoth and that person are in collusion, and I will be expected to regulate myself in violent situations or even worse, to aid in the regulation of that person.
For instance, someone who constantly makes misogynistic jokes or anti-trans statements and expects you not to react during the teaching. Another example could be someone who performs trauma dumping while teaching and expects their students to give emotional containment.
I know all those behaviours lack professionalism. However, they are commonly found and often manifest in very subtle ways that escape most people but not me; simply because the level of marginalisation I am under leaves me very sensitive to them.
For that reason, I have to bear in mind these behaviours exist, because I cannot reduce my sensitivity (nor do I want to) but these aggressions do take a toll on me energetically and emotionally. That means that if I have no choice but to acquire some knowledge from people who behave like that, I have to have a counterweight. Thus, I have to allocate time, energy, attention, and probably money into actions or relationships that give me the EXTRA stability and wisdom to be able to interact with a dysregulated person and gain the knowledge I want.
Another knowledge-seeking interaction in which I need clarity is one in which a person is wise and well-regulated. Still, the environment where the knowledge is disseminated is not apt to receive expressions outside of the insane parameters enforced by the Behemoth. For example, the environment of a scientific conference.
Scientists are generally not trained to have sufficient presence of mind to discuss the overwhelming emotional impact of a topic on a person in the audience since their main expertise does not lie in emotional containment. By default, emotional manifestations are rationalised or ignored to maintain numbness and dissociation and rebuke any possibility of confrontation.
But, assuming someone did have sufficient skills to hold a wholesome interaction, the conference environment disapproves and dismisses these interactions as unprofessional. That is to say, I cannot expect any support at a scientific conference if during a talk someone says something that reveals important parts of my humanity with a high emotional charge.
Hence, when I take part in those talks I have practices to prepare myself beforehand and also after the fact. I know my emotions won’t be received in the conference rooms even if I ask for help so I make use of external spaces where they can be received. I find venues where I can speak and express what I feel with confidence and where I won’t be ignored or minimised. My personal preferences at the moment are my ACA¹ meetings or chatting with friends with whom I can talk vulnerably and explore my feelings and the insights they bring.
The same pattern of conscientiously preparing to navigate knowledge acquisition situations can be used to prepare to navigate work-related situations.
The workplace is generally (if perhaps subtly) a violent space where you have to use a lot of discernment to keep its impact at bay. Fulfilling our tasks is not enough to ensure our well-being; some jobs can be extremely stressful by nature or we may need to interact with very pernicious (but productive and therefore “valuable”) people.
Ideally, we would not be working in such a challenging place, but sometimes that is not possible. So, my suggestion is that outside of the workplace be committed to our well-being and invest time and attention in identifying what allows us to re-establish ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Recognising and carrying out these restorative practices is just as important as brushing our teeth or showering.
When I ponder taxing environments, I also have to ask myself how I contribute to them. That is to say, I cannot go through life thinking that I am always the heroine; I have to ask myself, at least once a day, how I and my colonised, racist, ableist, misogynistic, etc. mind contribute to the toxicity of the groups and relationships in which I participate and in fact, I have to ask myself that question before I classify something as toxic.
The way I am speaking about interactions, you may get a sense that moving around in this culture is as if one were moving inside a war zone. That’s not an exaggeration; we live in a veiled war zone that has normalised plenty of aggression.
However, my practices and suggestions aren’t about having an arsenal ready for retaliation. I am taking the Behemoth as it is, but I am no longer willing to give more of me to it and perpetuate pointless compulsive violence. I want to remain sensitive in an insensitive world. So, while I’m inside of it, I strive to find ways to stabilise myself without losing sensitivity.
ACA - Adult Children of Alcoholic & Dysfunctional Families
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